Get Connected For Love

December 11, 2016 5:41 pm Published by Leave your thoughts

With technology at our fingertips,  Facebook connections whom we don’t even know, quick texts that don’t convey our real emotions, and dating apps that offer great photos with little depth – we are losing the personal touch. In my practice, clients are yearning to be connected.

Online dating clients say, “Two or three exchanges is enough. Then we need to meet in person.”

Dating and newly partnered clients, “I want him/her to make time for me.  I’m tired of I’m tired of texting!”

For couples who are in long term relationships or married, it’s a different situation. Many partners and spouses are losing priority. I hear, “ Between work and the kids, I’m exhausted at the end of the day. We are losing our connection.”

Or,  “We’re on automatic.”

Or, “We avoid each other to keep the peace. It’s easier this way.”

As human beings we are wired for touch and personal connection, so what can we do? Studies have shown that people are happier when in a positive intimate relationship.

Here are 3 easy ways to “get connected,” plus a bonus.

  1. Full Presence

When you are with a person that you care about; dating partner, spouse, friend, or your child – be fully present during that time. Ten minutes of full presence is worth more than three hours on distracted and non-attentive time.

This means putting the cell phone away, listening with full attention, and looking directly at the person with whom you are talking.

When you hug, hold hands, or place your hand on their arm – be fully present in the hug or touch. Feel their essence, connect on a deeper level. Be in the moment with your mind and heart fully there.

I shared this idea with a couple whom I coach. They have been married for over 15 years and the kids will be out of the house soon. They would like to create more intimacy and connection with each other and realize that this upcoming time period gives them a great opportunity to enhance their relationship.

When I talked about full presence and touch, the wife said, “I love this! Even though I hug my husband or touch him, I’m on automatic. My mind is often somewhere else.”

I lead them through some practices and they could both feel a stronger connection and energy exchange. It was very exciting and they look forward to practicing at home!

Extra tip: It’ may be challenging to be fully present in a hug or touch at first. Therefore, just do it for 5 to 30 seconds. Notice how you both feel. When you do it often the connection builds. Small steps equal large gains.

  1. Your voice

Very simply, instead of texting, emailing or sending messages through Facebook, pick up the phone and talk!  Whether it’s three minutes or twenty, the good feelings that can be generated are bonding.

There is an energy exchange through voice that we cannot achieve through messaging. Plus, nuances and meaning can be lost through technology.  The immediate response of a phone or Skype call has a different rhythm and connection.

Extra tip: Choose someone who you enjoy talking with!  Keep the conversation short if it’s someone who drains you whom you need to speak with from time to time.

  1. Calendar Time

You have heard this before, but read on because I have additional spins on it.

Make a date with each other. For busy couples, this is truly a necessity and not a luxury! It’s imperative for keeping the connection alive. You change environments and can remember the fun that you can have together!

You may even need to schedule sex. After several years together, oxytocin levels drop and sexuality may change. Since this in an important bonding aspect of a relationship, many busy couples do need to schedule in sex, otherwise, it loses priority.

In the divorce part of my coaching, I hear many regrets of time for time not spent together and how a spouse was placed on the back burner. Excessive work creates material benefits, yet the relationship can suffer if not attended to as well.

Not getting a babysitter for an evening, keeps you both in parent mode rather than being in couple mode. Sometimes kids are a buffer in a relationship, however, if you keep your “couple-ness” and well as your parenting, then you won’t turn around during empty nest time and say, “Who are we without the kids.”

Suggestions for couples: 

  1. Make a date at least once or twice a month
  2. Mark it is on the calendar and treat it as “gold” because it is. If you need reschedule due to an unforeseen situation, reschedule immediately. This tells you both that you are making a commitment to the relationship and to each other.
  3. Plan the date together. Do something you both enjoy. This is part of the bonding process.
  4. Go on the date with an attitude of sharing and having fun. Leave criticism, to do lists, work, kids, complaints and other responsibilities at home. Make a conscious effort to do this. This is your time to remember who are are together.
  5. Schedule sex if you need to and treat it as “gold.”

Suggestions for singles who are dating.

Several of my clients have experienced their partners pulling back after a certain time period together. If the person that you are dating, has pulled back or is not setting aside “in person” time with you, then it’s time to find out why.

Instead of waiting weeks or months, being afraid that you are pushy or don’t have the right to speak up, consider doing it now.

I teach clients a fabulous communication method that is compassionate, non-blaming and respectful. Have a conversation with your dating partner to understand why they are not spending the time with you and to express you needs for more “in person time.”

If weeks go by and there isn’t enough of a change, then it may be time to let the person go. If they are not treating you as a priority now, then they won’t later. Patterns show up early and it’s important to pay attention to them.

Some of my long term relationship or married clients are upset about their lack of priority by the partner. I ask, “How long has this been going on?  Often, I hear “years.”

Your time is too valuable to wait for someone to pay attention to you. If you want personal touch, then be with someone who values it, too!

BONUS TIP FOR PRACTICING FULL PRESENCE

Here is an easy way to practice full presence. I created it because I wanted to expand my own ability to focus and be present with a partner.

You will need a cat or dog or a friend who has one. Animals are great to practice with being they give unconditional love, are non threatening and we don’t have any baggage with them!

So here is how it goes:

For one minute, stroke/pet your cat or dog. Place your full attention on the feel of its fur under your fingers, rubbing its chin or behind it’s ears. Be fully present and aware of how your pet responds and how you feel during the experience.

I have two cats and do this with each of them. When I am fully present with my cat, the connection between us is palpable. He may purr, nuzzle his head into my hand, or roll unto his back for me to stroke his tummy.  He is truly loving it and so am I.

Often, when my mind wanders my cat gets up, turns around and show me his butt.  Or he jumps off the couch and walks away.  Talk about immediate feedback! What a teacher of presence he is!

Extra Tip:  Quickly read through these ideas and choose one that you will apply now!   Notice how it shifts your connection.
(more…)

Categorised in: , , , , ,

This post was written by Cheryl Lazarus

Online Dating

October 15, 2016 5:46 pm Published by Leave your thoughts

Whether you are a seasoned online dater or entering back into the dating world after a breakup/divorce, online dating can be exciting, intimidating and everything in between!

In this workshop, we’ll explore how to become more comfortable with yourself so that you can be more comfortable in the dating experience. Plus, we’ll learn tips for creating a better online profile, how to discern dating partners up front, how to navigate the different dating apps and sites and much more!

The group will be led by Cheryl Lazarus, a Certified Relationship, Divorce and Dating Coach. She helps women and men to attract new love and to create positive fulfilling relationships.

She also helps separated and divorced women and men to heal and become emotionally available again for love.

Even if you are not ready to date yet, please join us to learn new ideas, share your helpful experiences and make new friends!

When:  February 8, 2016
Time: 7 to 9 pm
Where: Midtown NYC
Investment: $17 payable at the door in cash

RSVP: Fill out the contact form, and I will send you all the details!

Cheryl Lazarus is a Professional Speaker, Author,  Certified Relationship Coach, Divorce and Dating Coach and Energy Healer. She helps women and men to attract new love and to create positive fulfilling relationships.

zengalove.com

Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

Categorised in: , , , , ,

This post was written by Cheryl Lazarus

What Behaviors Are You Accepting? by Cheryl Lazarus

August 11, 2016 12:09 am Published by Leave your thoughts

Years ago, my husband and I split up after a very long marriage. I spent time healing and then dated casually. Eventually I was ready for a relationship and met Steven, an attractive California guy. We began an exciting long distance relationship. I was in love and in lust!

One time out of three, Steven didn’t call when he said that he would or called an hour late without letting me know. As we were long distance, I considered our calls important and looked forward to them.

I didn’t discuss it with him because we only saw each other every 6 weeks and I didn’t want to make a ‘big deal’ out of it, at least that’s what I told myself at the time.

The ‘real truth’ is that I didn’t talk about it with him because I was afraid he’d leave or continue to do it anyway. I also felt like “I didn’t have a ‘right’ to say anything. My rocky marriage and our split up had taken it’s toll and my self worth had taken a ‘hit.’

After 7 months I got tired of this behavior and broke up with him. When I told him that one of the reasons is that he didn’t call when he said that he would, or called an hour late without notice he replied, “You never said anything so I figured I could get away with it.”

I sure learned some lessons there! I immediately trained in positive communication methods as well as did the inner work to shore up my self worth and confidence.

So, listen up: we train our partners on how to treat us by what we accept and what we expect!

If you don’t like how you are being treated, then you can learn how to speak up and place more value on yourself. I’d be happy to show you how!

Cheryl Lazarus, CRC, CLC is a Love Coach and Relationship Expert. Be sure to sign up for your complementary coaching strategy session and explore your next steps in your love and relationship journey. Simply fill your name and email in the Strategy Session box on the right side and we will get started.

Categorised in: , , , , ,

This post was written by Cheryl Lazarus

Checklist for Special Connection with the One You Love by Cheryl Lazarus

June 10, 2016 3:11 am Published by Leave your thoughts

With our busy lives, we can take our partners for granted. Here’s are 7 ideas to let her or him know that you love and appreciate them.

1. Gift your Beloved with what they would like to receive, not what you would like to receive.

2.  Plan a special day or evening and be sure you’re both agree on how to celebrate.

3.  Surprise your partner with a hand written love note and place it where he or she will see it but not in an obvious spot.

4. Do something your partner has been asking you to do that you have been procrastinating doing. 

5. Tell them something that you appreciate about them or acknowledge something they have done for you.

6.  Send an unexpected “I love you” or “I miss you” text

7. Make love without distractions, being as absolutely present as you can be.

Cheryl Lazarus, CRC, CLC is a Love Coach and Relationship Expert. Be sure to sign up for your complementary guide, “3 Essential Keys to Lasting Love.”

 

 

Categorised in: , , , ,

This post was written by Cheryl Lazarus

5 Conversation Tips for Any Situation, by Cheryl Lazarus

April 9, 2016 3:31 pm Published by Leave your thoughts

Do you every feel self conscious or watch every word because you’re afraid of how others will perceive you?

Do you get tongue-tied around certain people or during difficult conversation?

How about when your on a date or connecting with your lover or the  significant people in your life?

“All people feel uncomfortable some of the time ,” says Relationship expert, Cheryl Lazarus, “and yet, there are some who seem ‘know how to do it.’ They’re charismatic and words just flow out of their mouths effortlessly.”

Think about it? Are there some people in your life that you love to be with?  They listen, care and know how to connect?  Do you ever wonder how you could do that more…be the “go to”person, feel more comfortable if you’re  dating or when connecting in your relationships?

Here are 5 important tips to create better connections and to have more fun while your doing it.

* Stay present 

Many people worry about how they will be perceived, what he or she will think about them or what they said.  When this happens, you are in internal dialogue, absorbed  in your own thoughts, rather than being present to the actual conversation. You may feel even worse when you realize that you broke the connection and may not even know what the person has been saying!

* Keep the attention on the other person, rather than on yourself

If encouraged, people love to share about themselves. So provide a space for that and ask questions. Be sure they are “open ended.” so that you can take the conversation deeper. After they answer you can say ” Tell me more about that.”

* Pause – take a breath

Give the other person an opportunity to speak.. When people are nervous, they tend to chatter or talk fast.. Or a person can be absorbed with themselves and forget to include the other person. Pausing allows someone else to jump in and carry the ball for awhile.

* Listen more

Listen more, talk less. You may even learn something new!

* Get off your own agenda

If you’re  thinking about what to say next or can’t wait until the person finishes so that you can have your turn, then you are not in the conversation. Conversation flows best if you leave your own agenda at the door, and concentrate on the actual conversation that you are in. You can be more spontaneous that way, too.

If you follow even one of these tips it can change your conversation and create the connections that you desire.  Try it and let me know what happens!

I’d love to here your comments, thoughts or questions and I’ll reply right back!

Click here to  sign up for ZengaLove Relationships Tips and Updates?  Never miss a chance for a relationship tip that can change your life!

To your relationship success!
Love, Cheryl

Tags: , , , , ,

Categorised in: , , , , ,

This post was written by Cheryl Lazarus

Stay Connected No Matter How Busy You Are by Cheryl Lazarus

February 7, 2016 6:09 pm Published by Leave your thoughts

In our busy lives, being pulled in many directions, we may take the one we love for granted. Find out how you can enhance the connection, intimacy and romance with your partner!

Reconnect Now

woman-pulling-her-boyfriend-smiling-on-the-beach_web

As the director of an international firm, Sandy, a mom of two, travels several times a year. Her husband Chris runs an investment company.

Cynthia and her partner Jane build their careers each day, then Jane pursues an MBA at night.

Alice is a stay-at-home mom with two children and the founder of a pediatric charity. Her husband, Ted, is a real estate developer and member of their co-op board.

What do these three couples have in common with each other — and with many of us?

They each lead very busy lives. Their situations may be different, but the effect is the same. With lots of responsibilities and little time for each other, they’re in danger of letting their connection slip away. (Sound familiar?)

So, how can you maintain a strong connection with your spouse, or partner, when your circumstances and commitments are pulling you in different directions? Here are five steps to help you stay connected, no matter how busy your lives may get.

 Plan for and Prioritize Time Together

couple-on-romantic-date_web

A 2012 study by the University of Virginia found that “couple time” (time spent alone with each other, talking, or sharing an activity) has a decisive impact on the success of relationships. Married couples who scheduled time together at least once per week were three times as likely to report being happy in their marriages than those who did not. And researchers calculated that those who reported rarely having “couple time” had almost double the predicted probability of divorce over the next five years compared to those that who carved out alone time together every day.

I was sharing this concept with a client, a successful attorney, and she confessed that while she and her husband plan Thursday night as their date night, she doesn’t always prioritize it. “A project comes up or a client needs me, and I cancel our date. I did it twice this month and my husband is getting frustrated.”

I suggested she add their date night to her calendar and keep it as seriously as she would an important business appointment. While their date might need to be rescheduled on occasion, consistency and a commitment to their time together is the connector that will keep them going.

Love and connection is a choice. Start with that intention and then make a plan that keeps your intimacy alive.

Do Away With Distractions

couple-in-restaurant-eating-breakfast-while-woman-is-on-phone_web

Nearly six in 10 Americans with smartphones can’t go an hour without checking their phones, according to a ”Mobile Mindset” survey conducted by Harris Interactive.

If you are having a conversation with your spouse or partner and he picks up his phone, that’s obviously disruptive. But even a visible cell-phone can take you out of the present moment.

Two experiments conducted by the University of Essex tested if the presence of a cell phone versus a notebook on the table during a conversation would impact the connection of the two people talking. Significantly lower feelings of closeness, trust, empathy and relationship quality were reported when the cell phone was on the table instead of the notebook. Their results concluded “that the presence of a mobile phone can interfere with human relationships, an effect that is most clear when individuals are discussing personally meaningful topics.”

If you or your partner is hooked on technology and it’s affecting your connection and intimacy, try this:

  1. Have a (non-blaming) conversation and explain the effect that it’s having on your relationship. Often both people know it, but the person who is more tech-addicted may have trouble hearing it. That’s why a neutral non-blaming conversation is important.
  2. Create “Tech-Free Zones” during your couple time so that you can focus on each other without distractions, and agree on some “rules of disengagement.”
  3. Stick to the rules! Discipline and consistency are key, as it’s easy to slip back and let technology eat up your quality time together.
  4. Notice if you’re more present, able to unwind and enjoying your partner more.

Create Quick Connects

man-measuring-wall-paper-and-getting-a-kiss-from-wife_web

You may be an entrepreneur, a wife, a mom or all three. Pulled in multiple directions, it’s easy to forget that you’re part of a couple, too.

A quick connect can be a love note that you place next to your spouse’s morning coffee cup or a surprise, “I miss you” text. Does your partner need a neck massage to ease tension or a hug to show that you care? To create a quick connect, put your attention on your partner and your relationship, and ask, “What would he like to receive and what can I give?”

Quick connects take only minutes, yet the feelings that they create are long lasting. Three minutes of total attention is worth more than three hours of distracted togetherness.

Stop Listening to Fix

happy-senior-couple-sitting-on-sofa-at-home_web

Tom and Ria have a nightly ritual which they look forward to, as it keeps them feeling connected. They each take a turn and share about their day. The share can be from five to 20 minutes.

For example, when Ria shares, Tom’s sole role is to be a “dedicated listener,” meaning he takes in what she says and is fully present for her. He might ask a few questions for clarification, but not so he can give advice.

This practice can be challenging at first, as many people I’ve encountered in my practice “listen to fix.” They may tune out as they are thinking of solutions. If this starts happening, then take a breath, clear your mind and come back to listening.

When both of you feel truly heard, your connection becomes more intimate. You each become the ally that the other needs.

Give Gratitude and Appreciation

casual-couple-posing-outside_web

Expressing appreciation creates positive feelings, connection and promotes commitment in relationships, but often we keep those thoughts to ourselves.

A study by Dr. Amie M. Gordon in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology followed 50 couples for nine months. She found that when study participants felt appreciated by their partners on any given day, they responded by becoming more appreciative of their partner in return, as well as more responsive to their partner’s needs and more committed to the relationship. Couples in which both partners conveyed appreciation and gratitude to each other reciprocally were less likely to break up over time.

Here’s an example of an appreciation practice that takes only a few minutes:

  1. Set aside five minutes a few times a week. At the desired time, decide which partner will go first.
  2. Look into your partner’s eyes and talk about what you appreciate about him (or her) or feel grateful for (e.g. “I love when you …,” “I appreciate that you… “) Your partner continues looking into your eyes and receives the appreciation, smiles and then says, “Thank You.”
  3. Then it’s time to switch roles.

For some people, this practice can be easy. For others, it can be challenging initially.

I taught this method to a couple recently who had been married for over 40 years. The wife was able to easily express appreciation while looking into her husband’s eyes. Her husband, however, seemed uncomfortable as he listened and looked away often. As I guided him to stay present, the husband eventually relaxed, smiled and seemed genuinely pleased.

Cheryl Lazarus, CRC, is a Certified Relationship Coach and the Founder of ZengaLove. 

If you would like specific insights to enhance your relationship sign up for your complementary 30 minute Relationship Strategy Session now!  Sign me up

This is a reprint of the feature  that I wrote for and is published in Daily Worth, voted one of Forbes best 100 websites for women and they own the copyright.  Daily Worth feature

 

Tags: , , , , ,

Categorised in: , , ,

This post was written by Cheryl Lazarus

Fears of Intimacy & Are You Sabotaging Your Relationships Part 2 by Cheryl Lazarus

December 10, 2015 1:29 am Published by Leave your thoughts

Many of us have fears of intimacy  as a result of  events in our childhood or issues within our family.  We then create behaviors that sabotage the very thing that we want which is love. . With awareness you have the opportunity to do something differently!

Janet is a woman in her 30’s,  whose  father  left the family when she was 9. He had an affair, started a new family and was not as involved with her or her brother.  This caused a lot of pain as she had been closer with her dad than with her mom.

In her current relationship with Jim, she’s afraid of become too vulnerable or  close. Her deep seated belief is  “He will leave.” So  she does become too intimate, Janet gets scared. She withdraws, looks for something to criticize or provokes a fight.   Jim then retreats, moves away. His own fears of intimacy are now setting in.

First, I helped her to heal the pain that is still left from childhood. Then we explored her behaviors and I  provided her with new options for when she becomes scared.  Janet is now able to choose. She can choose to provoke or she can choose the healthier options that she now has available.

Listen to this video to understand more about the roots of our fears of intimacy and how it shows up in our relationships.

If you would like to uncover your sabotaging behaviors so that you can create healthier ones, then sign up for your  free 1/2 strategy phone session now!   Click here

Categorised in: , , , , ,

This post was written by Cheryl Lazarus

Are You Sabotaging Your Relationships – Part 1 by Cheryl Lazarus

September 10, 2015 1:08 am Published by Leave your thoughts

We often sabotage relationships without knowing it. We do this by unconscious behaviors that can cause distance or breaks in intimacy. Unfortunately, this can lead to a breakup or divorce and there are many reasons why we may sabotage.

We may do this out of fears of intimacy, feeling too vulnerable or needing more space but not knowing how to ask for it.  Listen to the VIDEO and find out what may cause sabotage in your relationship so that you can create fulfilling relationships instead!

Would you like to uncover your sabotaging behaviors so that you can create healthier ones? Sign up for your  free 1/2 strategy phone session now! Click here

Categorised in: , , , , ,

This post was written by Cheryl Lazarus

I Need Space! I Need Time Alone! by Cheryl Lazarus

June 11, 2015 12:12 am Published by Leave your thoughts

What comes up for you when your dating partner or spouse says those words? Do you feel threatened and scared? Excited and liberated?

We all have different needs for ‘alone time’ and when two people have different needs it can cause disharmony in a relationship. Whether you are a ‘super-connector’ with an independent natured partner, or you and you partner both need space, find out how you can keep your relationship positive and connected while still getting what you both want and need!

Categorised in: , , ,

This post was written by Cheryl Lazarus

How can I trust again? by Cheryl Lazarus

April 17, 2015 7:10 pm Published by Leave your thoughts

“How can I trust anyone again after what happened? I can’t even trust myself!” Have you ever said those words? I know that I have and so have my clients.

When there has been broken trust or you have been hurt, felt betrayed or abandoned; it’s easy to blame yourself, blame others, or simply lose faith in trust and in love.

Trust is intrinsic to a relationship, both with others and with ourselves. It’s the ground upon which all else is built, yet so many of us have been hurt through mixed messages or misplaced trust.

How can you trust yourself more and then trust someone else? You already know what I’m going to share, but are you actually doing it!!! Watch the video and find out. And then up  for our ZengaLove Relationships Tips and Updates.

How can you apply this to your life?

If you follow this simple tip, how can your life be different? I’d love to here your comments, thoughts or questions and I’ll reply right back!

Click here to  sign up for ZengaLove Relationships Tips and Updates?  Never miss a chance for a relationship tip that can change your life!

To your relationship success!
Love, Cheryl

Categorised in: , , , , ,

This post was written by Cheryl Lazarus